Today in English class, Mrs. Radtke (my rockin’ English teacher! With my influence, she made The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the common book for next year!) told us about a nifty new project for Merchant of Venice. We’re supposed to take a scene and put it into another place or time. For example, Hamlet vs. The Lion King, West Side Story vs. Romeo and Juliet, Clueless vs. Emma, etc. Just for humor’s sake, I pondered what would happen if I put it into the Harry Potter world.
Antonio: Hello, I am Antonio Potter, and this is my best friend Baronio! Baronio is a bit short on cash at the moment, so instead of lending him some of my vast fortune, I’ll make him go to this guy that I really hate, Professor Shylock!
Shylock: Grr, I’m Professor Severus Shylock. I’m supposed to be the guy everybody hates, but if you really examine the story, I’m not all bad. I’m just really annoyed because my favourite student, Lancelet Draco, moved to Gryffindor and started dating Baronio’s sister. Also, I don’t want to lend Baronio money because he is Antonio’s best friend, and I think Antonio is a complete and utter git.
Baronio: I know Antonio lent me money in the past and I didn’t pay him back, but this time I will! I need 30 thousand galleons to impress the fair Hermia, then once I marry her, I can get all her money and we can pay back Professor Shylock!
Shylock: To make sure that you pay me back, I think that if you don’t, I’ll take 5,000 points from Gryffindor!
((Baronio is shocked))
Antonio: Don’t worry, Baronio! I trust that you’ll pay back Professor Shylock! You don’t have to worry about me!
((Baronio suddenly loses his money for something entirely not his fault))
Baronio: Oh, no! I must get Hermia’s money! Otherwise, Professor Shylock will take 5 thousand points from Gryffindor!
Hermia: My dad says that you have to figure out which one of these vials of polyjuice contains one of my hairs. If you choose the right one, you can marry me!
Baronio: . . .
Hermia: It’s the one on the left, you git.
Baronio: It’s the one on the left!
Hermia: Ooh, Baronio! You’re so clever! ::covers him with kisses:: Here, take this Herbology textbook. Treasure it. It’s supposed to be symbolic of something or other.
Hermia: . . .
Nerisshanks: ((suddenly capable of speech)) Well, you two are happily paired off, and I have to tell you that Pigwidgeiano and I are going to get married as well!
Hermia: But aren’t you both guys?
Nerisshanks: Actually, Pig has been a girl all along.
Hermia: How nifty! Ok, Baronio, now let’s go on a nice, long honeymoon to Hogsmeade and then we can go back to pay off Professor Shylock and save Antonio from losing 5,000 house points.
((they have a nice honeymoon))
Shylock: Hey! I just found out that when Lancelet Draco left me, he took all my money as well! The great stupid prat! I think I’ll try to get my money back from Baronio early.
Antonio: Sorry, Baronio’s off on a honeymoon with Hermia.
Shylock: Then I’ll just go ahead and take 5 thousand points from Gryffindor!
Hermia (disguised as another student): You can’t take 5,000 points from Gryffindor for something that wasn’t Antonio’s fault! You’re such a jerk, you should be sacked.
((Shylock is fired))
Baronio: Wow! Thanks, mister! Can I do anything to repay you?
Hermia: Can I borrow your Herbology textbook?
Baronio: This old thing?
Hermia: Yeah! I got undiluted Bubotuber pus all over it and had to throw it away.
Baronio: Sorry, mister. It’s one of those symbolism thingies that I’m not supposed to give away.
Hermia: I think your wife would understand. She’d know that I deserve it for helping your buddy out like that. ((she leaves))
Baronio: He’s got a point there. Pig, take this Herbology textbook to that guy that just helped us!
((Pig does so))
Hermia: We’re back! Hey, Baronio, do you still have that Herbology textbook?
Baronio: Er…. I gave it to this guy that helped us save Gryffindor’s chances to win the house cup. I felt we owed it to him.
Hermia: You bloody git! That was the first thing I ever gave you! It was all symbolic and such!
Baronio: Geez, I’d be better off if I had told you it had been eaten by a hippogriff.
Hermia: ((pouts)) Well, in the meantime, use this one.
Baronio: Hey! This is the same one!
Hermia: Yup. You’re so oblivious. I can’t believe you fell for that!
((they all make up))
Lorenginny: Hey! I just found out that Shylock died O.D.ing on asphodel and wormwood, and he left everything to my new boyfriend, Lancelet Draco! Score!