WTF. Torchwood made me cry. WHAT INSANITY IS THIS?

The episode was 90% crap. The citywide destruction was entirely gratuitous, Connor Grey’s acting was as abysmally bad as his character was flat, Captain John’s story held up like a wet paper bag with a hole in it the size of the Alien Sheep, and the whole “Jack was sent back in time and just had to live through the intervening years” stretched my suspension of disbelief when it was only a century and change. Expecting Jack to hang out in a grave for nearly 2000 years without emerging absolutely crazypants, with hair long enough to encircle the globe1, atrophied muscles, and completely disintegrated clothing represents a new pinnacle of lazy writing for the Torchwood crew, and that’s saying a LOT.

Continuously dying and resuscitating for 2000 years, writers. There is no way Jack is not crazy. You are all sadists. Unless of course John only jumped forward a few hours, rescued Jack, then jumped forward to three days before Steamwood discovered him in 1901 and left him buried in a roomy coffin with a Victrola, a razor, and a ham sandwich, then lied to Presentwood because he’s too pretty to remember silly details like when and where his little Starship Trooper2 is buried.

So why the heck was I crying?

Okay, George Lucas take note: That’s how you use the line “You’re breaking my heart.” Toooooooooosh, ilu! Don’t leave me, Tosh! And Owen… frankly, I never cared for him much. But suggestion for Season 3: Owen = Doctor Manhattan.

1 Out of curiosity… Hair grows at approximately 3/4″ per month, or 9″ per year, so between his burial in 27 AD and his discovery by Punkwood in 1901, his hair should have grown 16,866 inches, or 1,405.5 feet. That’s more that a quarter of a mile! And his fingernails… I don’t even want to think about fingernails, though if you want to do the math yourself, they grow at approximately .1mm per day. (Hint: 68.4 meters, or 224.4 feet)

2 John and Jack’s “song” is Close Encounter Three by Sarah Brightman. And I’ve seen a Smallville Brainiac/Clark fanvid to it. EPIC LOLZ.

Edit: From Sam’s LJ:
DementedSiren: I now have the oddest notion of Jack and the Tardis entertaining each other through all of those years. You know, mental crossword [uzzles, I Spy, writing a screenplay together…
Sam: TARDIS Sudoku!

Woah! The guy that played Tommy in last night’s Torchwood is NEVILLE’S OLDER BROTHER. That’s just… neat.

Also, where is my old school Steampunk Edwardian Torchwood fanfic? Give them to us, precious!

Edit: Speaking of Matt Lewis, HOLY HOTNESS, BATMAN! I’m going to heeeeeeeeeeell. Can we be magically transported to the happy day when he is no longer jailbait?

Further Edit: I fail at math. I thought it was 2007. SWEET, HE’S 18! Not making me feel any less like a dirty old woman, though.


It was Torchwood, but it was GOOD. Jack was FUN, and I didn’t want to dropkick Owen halfway to Raxacoricofallapatorius. Unheard of!