The Cult of Lincoln

Wednesday, May 24, 2006



(Totally unofficial) Transformers CGI test, linked from Odella.

Huh. The Lost season finale was really, really lame. After the first hour, I looked at the clock and thought, "I have to sit through another hour of this?" Only the final 30 minutes were worth watching. After being spoiled rotten by Veronica Mars and House, my final finale of the TV season was a snoozefest. I couldn't even get excited about the Charlie/Claire smooch, because Charlie is back to being cagey and deliberately obtuse. It's one thing when he's lying about drug use. It's another thing when he's lying when he has NO REASON WHATSOEVER TO. And that penultimate scene, where we see the two guys in the Antarctic? I thought that was a commercial, making fun of Lost. I thought it was going to be for a telephone company or something. THAT was how bad this episode was. Yay for Desmond, Boo for everything else. Though I hope the ending means that we'll be seeing less of Jack and Kate next season.

NEXT SEASON, we will meet The Newbies, who were brought to the island in a freak jetski crash, courtesy of Locke's stubborn stupidity! They will nearly all be up at the right of the Bell Curve in physical attractiveness, except for a few token ugly and/or old people so it doesn't look too contrived. They will represent a wide variety of cultures and economic backgrounds (Laotian cosmonaut, Iranian freshwater pearl diver, The Only Gay Eskimo In His Tribe, The Guy in the Big Chicken Suit, a Mormon telemarketer, and Jerry Lewis), but they will only speak Esperanto. Fortunately, Jin speaks Esperanto! They will communicate through Jin, then through Sun, to the rest of the Lostaways, and end up with a lot of "What? You think the Udders gargles Narnia?" misunderstandings. They will mostly be Series 3 Action Figures.

LIBBY will return undead and have a hot zombie love triangle with DESMOND, who perished in the Great Film Overexposure, and HURLEY, who threw himself (messily) on a sharpened piece of fuselage to preserve his honor when the popular Others didn't want him for the big Island dodgeball game.

ROUSSEAU will start hanging out at The Beach in hopes of cashing in on the Lostaway's snack food stores. When they refuse to share on account of her being crazy, she starts whining about humans' natural tendency towards compassion and harping about the necessity of a social contract. LOCKE, also a zombie, calls for rebellion, convinced his zombie rights are not being protected. The undead ghost of the Marshall will smack him over the head with a tabula rasa, or maybe just the backgammon board.

JACK and KATE will be eaten by polar bears, much to the delight of ME. SAWYER will find love at the bottom of a vat of chocolate pudding. WALT will be replaced, without comment, by a volleyball nicknamed "Robert Sean Leonard", because they needed an excuse to have him not on the show another twenty-some episodes. THE BIG FOUR-TOED STATUE will be revealed to be of the four-fingered brother of Count Tyrone Rugen, six-fingered man of The Princess Bride.

MR. EKO will fall in love with NARCISSA MALFOY, making a joke that people will only understand if they are as big a mythology geek as I am. CHARLIE and AARON will destroy Isengard. SAYID, JIN, SUN, and the IRANIAN FRESHWATER PEARL DIVER will destroy AMERICA. CLAIRE will helpfully point out that Jin and Sun are from South Korea, whereupon COLIN POWELL will smite her with EKO's JESUS STICK and 8500 LITERS OF ANTHRAX.

I will be watching House and Veronica Mars.

Priscilla said at 2:08 PM

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All content 2000-2005 Priscilla Spencer unless otherwise noted.
Title cartoon by Bruce Eric Kaplan, used without permission.

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