The Cult of Lincoln

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

*snorks* Oh, Lordy. We have a new mascot, and oh my good gravy, it looks like a giant muppet. Our previous mascot's appearance was rather appropriate for a team dubbed "The Fighting Quakers," guaranteed to give one nightmares (is it sad that the only image of our mascot I could find in 5 minutes of Googling is from my own website?) in its infinite scaryness. Just look at those eyes! It wants your babies for its supper.

Well, the DP (Daily Pennsylvanian and not the Daily Prophet, much to my chagrin) had a back-page story on the new mascot, including a rather poor photograph of the horrifying creation. I am gobsmacked. Look at its little hands! But then, I guess it could be worse. In honor of our new mascot, here's a list of

Top 5 UPenn Mascots That Would Be Worse Than What We Have Now!

5. The Ugly Fish -- I've been lobbying for this for ages. Fighting Quakers are not intimidating. Ugly Fish you just don't want to mess with. Derived from the hideous and random heraldic element of UPenn crest, a dolphin (the fish, not the mammal), which was apparently taken from the Franklin crest. Why anyone would want to associate their family with an ugly fish is beyond me. Some people juggle geese, I guess.
4. Angel Puppet -- If we're looking for intimidating puppet mascots, the Angel Season 5 episode Smile Time's, "Angel Puppet" would be a fitting mascot for any athletic team! Not only did he manage to thoroughly trounce Spike in a brief tussle--not to mention a half dozen assorted puppet demons in an all-out puppet brawl--but also managed a greater range of facial expression than actor David Boreanaz.
3. Shaking Quakers -- In an effort to involve community values as well as athletics in this manifestation of school spirit, we could replace the Fighting Quakers with the Shaking Quakers (or "Shakers"), a religious group formed in 18th century England when dissidents from various religions, including English Quakers and Methodists, formed a religious study based on prophetic doctrine. As an added bonus, as "Shaking Quakers," Penn students would be exercising school spirit when overdosing on caffiene or suffering from withdrawal.
2. Scott Robinson -- the Wharton student that allegedly kicked a female protester at a Republican Youth Convention. Because I'm sure our football team would appreciate a kicker and the soccer team probably has room on its roster for a Right Winger.
1. The Cast of Avenue Q -- puppets much more loveable and less horrifying than the new Quaker Muppet, with the added bonus of having no idea what to do with a BA in English. Of course, a few things would have to change. Princeton would have to change his name to either Stanford, MIT, or Duke, cocking a snook at the three universities we so thoroughly trounced in the US News college rankings that we were tied with last year. Furthermore, in an attempt to reflect the ethnic makeup of the campus, 97% of cast members would be Asian Jews.

and the bonus mascot, in case anyone is confused:
0. Upenn Not Penn States! Because coming home to a barrage of "If you wanted to go to a state school, why not A&M or UT?" can drive a girl to mass chocolate consumption.

Speaking of official stuff, our dorm now has an official song, "Boom Boom Ain't It Great to Be Crazy," the chorus of which now graces our answering machine message. Give us a call, we want to flaunt it! If you don't have the number, email me and I'll send it to you. Hurrah! And now, back to actual work. :D

Priscilla said at 9:11 PM

wow, that is... different. but hey, you get a muppet! I don't think grinnell even has a mascot.

my roommate doesn't know if we have a pioneer mascot either, but our ultimate frisbee team does have one. they spent their budget money on an elephant costume. (they're the grinnelephants.)

so.. you know. stuff.
Your old mascot looks like it came from the same mold as our Apache costume.

Poor ol' injun hasn't shown his face at any of the high school games I've ever been to, though. He must be consigned to being strictly middle school now. (that thing is *old* No wonder they can't get anyone to wear it)

but yeah. exact same face and stuff, you know?
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All content 2000-2005 Priscilla Spencer unless otherwise noted.
Title cartoon by Bruce Eric Kaplan, used without permission.

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