That's why you programmed my friend to kill me?

"He's not evil - he's a survivalist. A survivalist who sometimes likes to kiss other guys.

I wonder how Krycek was celebrating the new Millenium. Probably off killing someone. Maybe terrorism. Bioweapons. Something fun...

Well, Mulder, if you're calling to tell us that Slobodan Milosevic's real name is actually Boris Yankovic and that he's the long lost cousin of "Weird Al", then I'm afraid we're way ahead of you. What can we do for you?"

Official Government Explanation for a UFO Crash - What we have here is a weather balloon that encountered some swamp gas that was struck by lightening and fell near a frizbee contest.

What do you want now, Krycek? I mean, you can only show up at my door pointing a gun so many times before it becomes rather mundane.

You know, I don't wish any harm on those dreamers, I just want them swept off the face of the earth. Is that too much to ask?

Aw, Byers is cute! He reminds me of Scott Hunt gone yuppie gone conspiracy theorist... with smaller ears..

I thought we were talking about Krycek? If we're not.. well.. we should. Krycek Krycek Krycek!

Dean Haglund: Out of a cloud of dust, Krycek will walk.
Bruce Harwood: He might have only one leg left, but he'll be the last one standing.

Krycek's arm is like the Terminator or something. He can morph it into a huge bazooka and blast Mulder and all the shippers and stuff. It makes a really nifty letter opener, too.

Byers is so cute. He just makes you want to strike him with an iron mallet.

What the hell is wrong with David Duchovny? Was he stoned when he wrote this? Damn!

Scully: I've found more necessary things to do with my time.
Me: Like blowing up snakes with rifles?

B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! And bingo was his name-o!
Me: Ok, a family like that deserves to be eaten.

I don't want to get hit on the head by Krycek!!! Well, maybe once.

she was basically evil reincarnate. Kinda like John Shiban.

When your door gets battered in one dark, lonely night and you're bashed to the brink of death and left with nothing but a root beer and a hive of angry bees, then you should be concerned about the Noromo "threat"!

(Mulder & Scully's relationship would be like,) I'm about to discover the existence of extraterrestrials and figuring out everything that's been going on since the dawn of man. And yet that remark you made at dinner, Scully, that really hurt my feelings.

(I see them as) ...a squabbling old couple.

We do that as little as possible because, honestly, who wants to see Mulder and Scully together?

When would we kiss? I mean, when we're flying around a corner and just about to shoot an alien, are we going to smooch and say, 'Be careful, honey. Come back with all your DNA intact'?

My theory is that the world will collapse. Armageddon. And there'll just be Krycek standing there with a cockroach on his prosthetic arm.

Arcadia liquor? Milagro vetrinary clinic? I swear the shippers are out to get me.

WHAT!?! Since when does Byers have a nice car? What the heck happened to the gunmobile? TRAITOR!!! ::I throw popcorn at Byers::

A spaceship crashed into a gully.
The door opened to reveal Mulder and Scully.
An alien hid behind a boulder.
He didn't want to be seen by Mulder.
When I heard the truth, I wanted to phone someone.
But I had sadly lost the number for the Lone Gunmen.

Someone: He's a danger to everyone.
Me: Send Fowley in!

Some of the jazzy music was nice, though, as was TLG driving up in the van they stole from the set of Scooby Doo.

There is the magnetism of Frohike who is able to walk and talk and drive a car after drinking an entire bottle of scotch. There is the appeal of Langly with his long blond hair, black framed glasses, and philosophical issues about having his image bounced off of a satellite. And to make matters worse, there is the elegant Byers in his suit and neatly trimmed beard who utters fifteen syllable words with complete conviction and sincerity, his blue eyes showing a range of emotion in which one cannot help but be lost, his acumen immortalized forever by a rapid series of pictures fired against the tube which. . . But I digress.

Political assassinaton. That's their theme for this year.

Mulder and Scully married? This could be the scariest "X-Files" ever!

THE TOOTH IS OUT THERE! FLOSS NO-ONE!!

Is Frohike just a foil or an intelligent foil? Is he a dirty old man or more than that?

No rock has ever beaten Alex Krycek, and no rock ever will!

Scully: Have you ever entertained the idea of trying to find life on this planet?
Mulder: I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere.

M & S were so happy and playful in this ep. They seemed like two different people.

Remember, that is Tropicana orange juice, official orange juice of the X-Files.

And DON'T EVEN get me started on Marita's hair, I don't care if you're in an alien-virus-vaccine induced coma, that is NO excuse for split ends.

Our specialty is technology, communications and computer subterfuge, but this Web site about New Orleans black magic seems to get the voodoo that they do just right. The love spell on Scully has yet to work for Frohike though.

Vince: Whaddya mean, 'can't we'?! We can't let him stay missing! What if he's hurt? Or dead?
Darcy: If he's dead he's not going to get any deader if we take a while to find him. If he's hurt, maybe some nice woodland creatures will take him in and raise him as their own.

And what is WITH these Shippers? 'True Love is Out There.' Geez, it's nauseating.

But I do admit I was genuinely terrified very briefly near the beginning of the ep, when one of the most fearful phrases in the English language appeared on screen: "Written and Directed by Chris Carter!" Man, they should give "viewer warnings" if they plan to spring THAT sort of stuff on us! I believe CC has totally lost sight of everything that ever made this show great, and he doesn't even know who Mulder and Scully are any more. Merry X-mas, Chris Carter! Ho-ho-hope Santa brings you a clue for Christmas!

Just before the show started, I had a brief moment of intense horror. What if this episode was an "homage" to the film based on McMurty's book? I saw it all with terrifying clarity. Mulder switches psyches with an aging pot-bellied ex-astronaut! Scully emotes with her red tresses styled into Maclainesque bangs! Debra Winger guest-starring as a grown-up Emily clone!

That freakin' rainbow "Fractured Fairy Tale" ending would gag a sewer rat.

Was Samantha's location and the events of her life since abduction "fully disclosed?" Did they tell us where the MMBHs and the Jeremiah Smiths and the clones all fit in? Oil to lizards to greys, oh my! Where's young Gibson? Wasn't he "The One" just the other day? Tony Di Franco had more staying power! What the hell is Krycek doing, screwing both sides against the middle? When did Mulder become such a spineless wuss? Why the hell do the aliens need a bunch of bumbling jackasses like CSM and his ilk in the first freakin' place? For the answers to these and other questions, don't look at CC! Try asking a more reliable source, like a Ouija Board or a Magic 8-Ball.

You know you're watching a truly wretched episode when escape from the monster is as simple as just packing up and moving the hell away. Before 6 p.m.

Byers sports his usual natty suit, this time in a lovely brown color, with a hint of fashion flair showing in his choice of tie: diagonal stripes. A party animal, our Byers!

We say goodbye and good riddance to Schizogeny...and hello and welcome to Post-Modern Prometheus!

I'm not going to touch the plot with a ten-foot pole. The plot made me long for a goatsucker episode.

The Men in White are actually the Men in Black, but they painted them white to hide the truth. (If you actually got that joke, you rock.)

Do you really want to ride that cow into the gas station? FBI agents do not ride cows. Especially big, fat, broken and psychotic cows with wagging tails. It's bad for the Bureau image.

Jeff: Nature is populated by creatures either trying to kill something they need to survive, or trying to avoid being killed by something that needs them to survive. If we become blinded by the beauty of nature, we may fail to see its cruelty and violence.
Scully: Walt Whitman?
Jeff: No. "When Animals Attack" on the Fox Network.

Mulder: I'm Mulder. I'm really Mulder. I switched bodies, places, identities with this man Morris Fletcher the man that you think is Mulder, but he's not. Of course you don't believe me. Why was I expecting anything different? Your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is... Hell! I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret. Your brother's name is Bill Jr. He's in the Navy and he hates me. Lately, for lunch, you've been having this six-ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt, into which you stir bee pollen because you're on a bee pollen kick even though I tell you you're a scientist and you should know better.
Scully: Look... Any of that information could have been gathered by anyone.
Mulder: Even that yogurt thing? That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it's good to know you haven't changed. That's somewhat comforting.

Fletcher: I love you guys. I really do. I mean, you're the Lone Gunmen, aren't you? You guys are my heroes. I mean, look at this crap you print.
Byers: (defensive) We uncover the truth.
Fletcher: Oh, the truth. Well, see that's what's so great about you monkeys. Not only do you believe this horse pucky that we create you broadcast it as well.

Mulder: If I shoot him, is it murder or suicide?

Fletcher: So the motel guy wants cash. Won't take credit card-- do you believe that? So then it hits me-- I flash him my badge: "Fox Mulder, FBI." I tell him we're investigating crappy motels in the Southwest. He'd better watch his behind. So guess what? The guy gives me the room for free and he throws in a six-pack of brews to boot. I love this job! Listen, Dana, after we return this flight recorder what do you say I have a word with the big man-- see if I can get you your job back? We could have lots of fun together once you got to know me. You know I'd change.
Scully: I've still got my gun.

Mme. Alexandre: Leve-toi maintenant! Wake up NOW!
Me: Cerulean blue...

Skinner: You spelled Federal Bureau of Investigation wrong.
Faux Mulder: It's a typo, sir.
Skinner: Twice.

My father died yesterday and all I could do was study for the math test!

Mulder: This grass...It's been laid recently.
Servo: Unlike you.