If I was a future!person I would not. I'd just get a widescreen TV with wooden frame. And my doors would talk! And my car would not look like a plastic toy. And I'd have a lock in my bathroom. Also I would glomp Gigolo Joe. He was the highlight of the movie.

Who cares about those silly cassettes in ACwO? Nobody! And there is no black monolith on the moon. And so what? The great Stanley is the great Stanley. He is right, the future is wrong.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Girls, just be quiet and sit down until we decide if we need to evacuate.

Who died and gave you right of way?

Methinks thou art a vile and wanton villain.

A vulgar drunkart would question his codpiece with vehemence.

We just wickedly jest lest she poison him.

Say no, you bawdy, vulgar peasant, lest she question your wanton manner.

A loathesome poison decieved this lover. A vile curse doth strike our goblet.

Methinks the villain forswears drunk maidens.

I shall seek my lover in every melancholy dream.

I need to steal your "love".

Take your "drunk maidens" and "begone"!

I feel like "est". "E" "est".

E to the x, dy, dx,
E to the x, dx!
Secant, cosine, tangent, sine,
Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine,
Square root, cube root, BTU,
Compass, Slide rule, Go Rice U.!

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.

Richard E. Grant. He looks like he's been run over by a truck a few times, yet manages to be hot.

Life is short. Unless, of course, you're hanging by your eyelids from two metal chains attached to a crane, waiting for help to arrive, in which case time tends to drag a bit.

My dream is to someday be a member of the White House press corps and begin every question, "Riddle me this, Mr. President..."

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

So there I was, standing in the middle of the interstate, wearing nothing but a fireman's helmet, waving a bottle of Old Grandad and a sawed-off shotgun, minding my own business, when... nah, you've probably already heard this one.

Just how careless do you have to be to let your borogoves get all mimsy?

You know you win some, you lose some, and then there's that little-known third category.

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.

When I'm at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there's a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who's struggling mightily with a fork.

Our eyes met, and the ground lurched beneath my feet and bells rang out. "My God!", I thought, "I've finally found her!!!" Then I remembered we were in an elevator.

Who's the black mutual fund manager whose tremendous personal success and selfless commitment to community service has created lifelong feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem in his younger siblings... feelings that they sublimate through the empty pursuit of hollow pleasures and quick gratification, to the detriment of their development as mature total beings? Shaft's older brother! Daaammmmn right!

My kids' teacher can tell them what she wants about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, but it's none of her *damn* business to tell them what's real and isn't real when it comes to WWF wrestling.

I think the Army should develop a fleet of nuclear-powered attack unicycles, because nobody's ever going to be intimidated by a bunch of guys on unicycles. In fact, they'll probably think it's funny. And then, when their guard's down, BOOM! We strike! It might also help if the soldiers juggled.

Sometimes before bed, I look in the mirror and wonder just what I'll be doing in ten years. Then I look at the clock and think, "Probably flossing."

If you ever decide to kill someone, make sure you do your Yoga first. That pre-meditation thing makes a big difference in a court of law.

If I were President, I would pardon Dick Sargent, the second Darrin Stevens. Yes, Dick York was much better, but it's time to heal the wounds. That's the kind of President I'd be.

The scariest thing I ever saw was the time I saw that man on fire. "There's something you don't see everyday," I thought to myself. Until the next day, when I saw another man on fire.

I wish that the leaves would fly south every fall and the birds would die and fall to the ground. That way I could get my cat to do all the raking.

Forget about the Sony PlayStation2 or those so-called ''Harry Potter'' books. Imagine the look on the face of a child when he or she opens this book and sees, for the first time in his or her young life, a chart labeled ''Crop Production and Value Summary of Important Agricultural Commodities Reportedly Damaged by Stink Bugs,'' with detailed acreage breakdowns on such crops as alfalfa, corn, macadamias and even dry beans! Do not be surprised to see the child's eyes brim with tears of happiness.

If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac?

Matter? Feh! Energy? Bah! Go sell your snake oil somewhere else, Dr. Hawking!

Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose.

If I was from North Dakota, I'd tell people I was from South Dakota, just to blow their little minds.

I've learned a lot from my cat. Like, life isn't just a bowl full of steaming rat entrails; sometimes it can be very unpleasant, too.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? What do I look like, a f*&^%ing woodchuck expert?

Sometimes, mothers have good intentions but not much sense.

Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey.

It had lots of great action. Lots of people blew up. I was happy.

You've never lived until you've had a nutella crepe.

Is that Harry Potter turning into a woman?

Swift: My name is Swift.
Me: Why thank you!
Swift: No, I meant "What is your name?"
Me: My name is "why thank you"
Swift: So what's up, Why Thank You?

Today is my 2/3 birthday. I need a life.

My new hobby is channeling the sprit of Gerald Ford. Yeah, I know he's not dead yet, but I see no reason to put things off till the last minute.

Sure a bunch of people have climbed Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, but I bet hardly anyone has done it without pants.

You know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate the trajectory probabilities of a two-stage... Wait a minute... It does take a rocket scientist. Sorry.

If the world were run by monkeys -- not just any monkeys, mind you, but monkeys with the power to unite nations and resolve previously insurmountable problems -- I bet we humans would still ridicule them for their bright-red hineys.

Hey I'm a cow, I'm curious
Hey watch me now, I'm furious
Hey I'm a cow, I'm full of hate
Hey watch me now, I'm on your plate.

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

I worry about what the president will do when the space aliens show up. You don't want him to refuse to bargain with them, 'cause they might turn around and wipe out all life here on earth. But on the other hand, you certainly wouldn't want to have him handing over the country to some kid in a Halloween costume.

As I watch old cartoons, I often wish I could be one of those good angels that sit on your right shoulder. That way, I could give you good advice and keep you out of trouble -- and then I'd take a peek down your blouse and you'd never even know it.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I thought Missouri was the so-called "Show Me State." So why am I doing 3 to 5 years for indecent exposure?

You know, there's just no seductive way to put on underarm deodorant.

I'm trying to invent a new disease so I can get my name on it, but it's harder than you might think. I've been eating a lot of mold and letting obscure animals bite me.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Actually, this rule applies to anyone whom you routinely humiliate with saddles, riding whips and involuntary servitude.

My ex-girlfriend tells people I'm a psycho. Well, if sleeping in my car in front of her apartment, following her to and from work, and scaring off any of her new friends is psycho, then maybe I don't want to "just be friends" any more.

If I ever went into battle, I'd take a bunch of poodles with me. Given a choice between shooting me or a poodle, the average person would surely aim for the poodle.

When I see a jogger, I swerve my car towards him and pretend I passed out while I was driving. I miss him at the last minute, but I bet it adds some excitement to his workout.

If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.

I have a question. Should you drink the water in an authentic Mexican restaurant in Chicago?

I've heard it said that your worst day when you're alive is better than your best day when you're dead. Personally, I think that's just a bunch of crap that dead people say.

Every since I was a little boy, I've wanted to be a parrot trainer. That way if I were ever in a restaurant and someone was choking, I could say, "Well, what do you want *me* to do? I'm a parrot trainer!"

When the cow jumped over the moon, I bet he was all like, "that's one giant leap for cowkind." I feel sorry for them, though, since they really haven't advanced all that much.

Of course the meek will inherit the earth! Did you think they were going to take it by force?

A lot of people face adversity by asking, "How would Jesus have dealt with this?" But that doesn't help me much, because I doubt Jesus ever had bad credit.

If someone ever shoots a flaming arrow into my heart, I sure hope that they put a marshmallow on the tip. There's no way I could get mad at them for that!

It must be hard to be a homeless guy, having to guard your secret identity as a spy from the world. Of course, I'm assuming all homeless people are spies, not just the one that told me that the other day so he could borrow my car on what he assured me was "top secret spy business."

As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, "This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer."

Imagine if Earth were invaded by a highly advanced race of aliens with a plot to take over our planet, but instead of laser guns, they only had bows and arrows. We'd kick their butts!

To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.

I wish I were less awkward around strangers. I never know what to say when someone asks me who I am and what the hell I'm doing in their house.

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, a whole bunch of folks wandered in the desert for 40 years...

I think a cool way to end the impeachment hearings would be for the President to scream, "...and I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids!"

George III...George Bush...George W. Bush...Hurray for hereditary monarchy!

A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.

I think they exhausted the whole vampire thing during the first few series. Now it's more like "Buffy the Slayer of Pretty-Much Anything That Isn't of This World". Of course, that wouldn't sound so cool, and BtSoPMATIoTW would be a damn stupid acronym.

The biggest problem with being the inventor of the time machine is that people keep going back and stealing my idea.

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together" -- don't the French have a word for that?

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's just a game. Find the eye.

It takes a glass and a half of milk to make the finest chocolate. It takes a glass to make a fine mess of someones face.

I wish I had a personal mascot. After a hard day's work, seeing his crazy antics would cheer me up.

Wouldn't you just love to see the looks on the faces of the parents whose son brings home Monica Lewinsky for dinner?

I used to be a nun, you see. I thought physics could be done to the glory of God, 'till I saw there wasn't any God at all and that physics was more interesting anyway.

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors.

I think the *real* secret to success is to keep it a secret from all you losers.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

It's not funny to purposely make fun of people and hurt their feelings. Unless you toss in a few Yiddish words, because that little technique makes pretty much anything funny.

If I ever get married, I think it would be funny to hire a stuntwoman to run through the church in a burning wedding dress. Then I would put her out with a bottle of seltzer and everyone would have a good laugh. I'm having kind of a hard time finding a girlfriend, though.

It only takes ONE atom bomb to ruin your whole day. Unless, of course, it explodes somewhere else, in which case it just gives the media something new to yap about.

The really cool thing about dating a bisexual is that if you ever had a sex change operation, they'd probably still want to date you.

hey! georgey dubya is gonna start up the cold war again, so maybe they'll be another mir! i think i'll call it...mini-mir!

I wish life were more like a musical, so when I burst into song at the bus stop, people would stop staring at me. It might also make them more inclined to learn the chorus and the dance numbers.

You laugh at me because I'm different - I laugh at YOU because you're all the same.

People laugh at me when I tell them that my wife stole Atlantis. But then I glare at them with my magic eyes and they stop, 'cause you just *don't* laugh at a guy with magic eyes.

I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others -- until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.

When I go to hell, I'm going to delight in saying, "But at least it's a dry heat."

I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide Detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The slogan could be: "Tide, more powerful than God!"

Our next movie is HalloweenWater. I think it's about a pumpkin flavored softdrink...

How does a booger taste? And like... how do they research that sort of thing? Wouldn't that be like, the world's worst job?

Some days I'd like to track down this Murphy guy and beat the living crap out of him. But that would only add weight to his theory.

Christina Aguilera has been signed to endorse Coca-Cola. Britney Spears does Pepsi. Actually, originally Coke wanted to hire Britney, but then they would have to drop the slogan, 'It’s the real thing.'

If you're lonely, but only because you killed all your friends, then maybe you deserve to be lonely.

I just registered "bonfigliokryczyskovsky.com", because if somewhere there's a guy named Bonfiglio Kryczyskovsky, and he tries to register his name and finds out that *another* Bonfiglio Kryczyskovsky has already beaten him to it, it'll definitely blow his little pink mind.

If all outlaws eat chicken, only chickens will be outlaws. Well, it sounded good in my head.

If cannibalism were legal, I think a great idea for a snack food would be "Can O' Balls." But that will remain just a dream as long as "The Man" says we can't eat human flesh.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times...

It's a totally purposeless idea, but a damn fine one.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!"

When the going gets rough, you are obviously in the wrong place.

I'm glad that life isn't like a Christmas song, because if my friends and I were building a snowman and it suddenly came alive when we put a hat on it, I'd probably freak and stab it to death with an icicle.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Ok, whose idea was it to give the crossbow to Priscilla?

It's not really a vegitarian sport.

I'm a bad pillow. I bite.

I feel better, cause now I can yell at you.

To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else do it wrong without comment.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

If a million people say a foolish thing, is it still a foolish thing.

It's dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

This report, by its very length, defends itself against being read.

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

It takes a glass and a half of milk to make the finest chocolate. It takes a glass to make a fine mess of someones face.

So, you think you love me, well I know how to find outif you really do or not. Get a metal baseball bat and hit yourself as hard as you can, abd if it hurts, then you don't. If you don't feel it, then aw how sweet... you killed yourself for me.

Thou art evil, and for this offense, I dislike thee.

"Fight fire with fire." Does this mean we have to stop floods with water?

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun, unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months. Then it's just 55 gallons of Ebola virus.

Human lungs are 100 times easier to blow up than a standard toy balloon. But they tend to make lousy party favors.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.

I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb...and I also know that I’m not blonde.

The day microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

To me, one of the most peculiar past book banning attempts was a request in the 1930's or 1940's to ban the Tarzan books from a library on the basis that Tarzan and Jane were not married, but 'living in sin'.

I haven't failed. I've found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Good luck on your taekwondo examinations. If this was theater, we would say, "Break a leg," but I imagine that's not what you say to wish someone luck in taekwondo examinations. So I won't.

A math problem:
The force needed to overcome and drag a person across the floor depends on the person’s weight. Manuel Dexterity can drag Gil O’Teen across the floor by pulling with a force of 51 pounds. Gil’s brother, Nick, who weighs twice as much, can be dragged across the floor by pulling with a force of 102 pounds.
Allie: This is scary. The guy’s name is Nick O’Teen.
Me: I wonder if the editors caught that. They shouldn’t talk about nicotine in a math book.
Allie: ::laughs::
Me: And plus, why are they dragging these people across the floor? Get a body bag!

Adam: Look! They've got plates!
M. Signour: Yeah. We've got plates in France, too, Adam. And forks. And knives.
Adam: I mean, they have real actual plates and real actual forks that work, unlike our plastic ones [we get here in school.]
Danielle: Yeah, I mean, we get these pukey green trays with little slots, and plastic utensils, and these little square napkins.
Justin: And the lunch ladies don’t wear hairnets. Do they wear hairnets in France? They don’t wear them here.
Matt: And they serve spaghetti with their hands! Their hands!
Steve: At North, the lunch ladies serve cheese steaks with their bare hands. They don’t even wear gloves. They just plop it down.
M. Signour: I guess I should just stick to sandwich lunches then.

When writing about the new Christina Aguilera Skeet Shooting game from Surfriot.com, Dave reports that the MS Office spelling checker thought "Aguilera" was a spelling error and suggested it be replaced with the word "uglier". No comment.

I celebrated recieving my luushuss new prismacolours for Christmas by seeing how well I could draw blood with 'em.

It's always a good idea to know the rules. That way, you know how to break them properly.

Normality is a state of mind, not a state of being.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

You never fully appreciate the beauty of free refills until you're out of the country and in charge of your own money.

We do this because we care about you. If you were laying there dying of thirst, we WOULD give you a glass of water. And we would totally shoo away the vultures. Or, if we didn't, we would certainly have ill regrets about it.

hey my dear fellow human beings. opps wait a min. i forgot. i'm a cow.

Crys: ...so I may need more ram in my computer.
Cheerleader: Um Crys? Why would you want to add a ram to your computer? Wouldn't the horns like break it or something?

NO Crys no! There's a pep rally in an hour! Don't kill the head cheerleader!

If you consider the fact that time is infinite, and you also consider the sad fact that your life is miniscule and finite, then you'll realize that the probability you're alive at any point in time is zero.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

Robbie: We’re playing 7-Up!
Mrs. Hackney: What does that have to do with math?
Jillian: You have to count to seven!
Danielle: And you have to estimate who picked you!

Oh, mommy, you're curiosity is positively feline!

If there's anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable, plase don't hesitate to push the eject button above your seats.

Why don't all the people with too much time on their hands get off their moral high horses and start sending me envelopes stuffed with money?

Wufei yelled some untranslatable war cry that, roughly translated, meant "Hyakfnelsjfhsfd!". Apparently, the translation was bad, thanks to the untranslatableness of the untranslatably furious war cry.

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Plunk your magic twanger, froggy!

Don't play with tornadoes. They are not your true friends.

Cats and dogs don't mix without a blender.

If you think I'm weird, you should see my parents!

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.

Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.

Caffeine is not a substitute for sheep.

I don't care what they say. If you haven't been stalked, you haven't been loved.

Sometimes, when I am feeling especially reflective, I can't help but sit back and think, "Hey, man, where the hell IS that Waldo, anyhow?!"

When I noticed that something was blowing out of my car vent, I wasn't too concerned, but when I looked down and saw that my clothes were completely covered with tiny writhing insect larvae, I thought, hmmm, look at that.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress, but I repeat myself.

The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

I'm as excited as someone who just discovered that they have to get 17 teeth pulled, using a selection of Tennyson poems instead of Novacain.

While my works are not copyrighted, please keep in mind that I am VERY tall.

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for better ordering the universe.

We know that before the stars appeared, the Universe was made almost entirely of hydrogen and helium -- transparent, odorless, rather boring gases.

It's like "A Few Good Men", but not as much. It's like "A Few Less Good Men".

I don't like killing bugs. I like killing people.

We'll be nice to out people as long as they acknowlege that we're their dictators.

Ok, who just called me a nerd? Give that person a medal!

::reading:: Under penalty of law, this tag is not to be removed. ::rips:: Ah, power.

Madame, quelle est le verbe pour "to kill"?

It wasn't until I found myself laying face down in the back of the speeding van, gagged and hog-tied, with the cold, black muzzle of an assault rifle sticking in my ear, that I realized that somewhere along the line, something had gone terribly awry.

Got a gun. In fact, I got two. But it doesn't matter, man, 'cause I love God.

I'm moving to Montana soon, gonna be a dental floss tycoon

Daddy, does god have feet?

Look out - I'm armed and harmless.

If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesnt pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?

Someday I'll find that peer and reset his connection!

The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

Some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy.

In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

I like angles, but only to a certain degree.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a little bit scary.

He's such a loser, he still parties like it's 1999.

Men! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.

The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.

May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns!

That was either really deep or really stupid, I haven't figured it out yet. I think if it was in a Disney movie it would have been deep, but since I said it I think it's just stupid. Damn, that *always* happens!

When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and endures all. She also writes my dedications.

On US Rocket Launcher - Aim towards Enemy

Did you ever notice that in commercials advertising psychics, they're always going on and on about what the caller already knows? What good is that to anyone?

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

You can lead a horse to prune juice, but you can't make him drink it. Nor would you want to.

I actually think it sorta looks like me. A shadowy, sick, dark, deathridden, hell-and-nightmares-are-my-friend me, but HEY there is a resemblance.

Oh great. I have two weeks to find 20 articles about Australia. I wish they'd just have a civil war or something.

This is our blood and gore film, so if you have weak stomachs, HA HA.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

In the great words of Me, shut up.

Not only would you be dead, you'd also have whiplash.

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Should the year 2000 VW Beetle be refered to as the "Y2K Bug"?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Did you hear about divorce Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

Titanic is the greatest love story ever?? Rich girl meets poor boy, poor boy draws rich girl, boat sinks, poor boy dies, rich girl lives to 150.

Don't quote me, think for yourself!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Heck is a place for people who don't belive in Gosh.

One man's trash is another woman's mystery sauce.

The quality of an airline is based on whether or not they give you more than one packet of honey-roasted peanuts

When you think about it, Fascism is the only true form of government.

If Jesus died for our sins, then why does Hell exist?

You know what they're doing with your taxes? They're spending your money, hundreds of billions of dollars, on defense. To defend us from the Russians, the Libyans, the Iranians. When was the last time a Russian and broke into your car? I'm not worried about Russians, I'm worried about Americans! You're going to defend me, defend me from Americans! Get my butt back from Burger King alive!

I hate buying gifts - birthday gifts especially. What is the message in a birthday gift? "Congratulations on continuing to breathe?"

I have plenty of vision and talent.....I just don't give a damn.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.

If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.

Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned supreme... it was called the Dark Ages.

Today's super tuesday and fat tuesday. Are you supposed to get drunk and then vote, or vote and then get drunk?

Whoso pulleth this linoleum knife from this mailman is rightwise king born of England!

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

It's about the timeless struggle between good, evil, and snacktime; the once weekly mishaps of a six-foot dog and a three-foot hyperkinetic rabbity thing who have a mirthfulltime trying to solve only the weirdest criminal cases of the day. Really.

You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little b*stards get cancer?

I'll be down in a few minutes. I just have to put on my natural beauty.

Sanity is not my strong point.

I like treason! It's colorful!

It's a muppet parachuting into a beartrap. Can't you tell?

I'm a democrat, unless I become dictator for the world.

You started it! Oh wait. I started it. Never mind.

I just finished writing a new song. It's called "My horrible life". It's about how i'm a white kid who lives in a wealthy suburb and goes to an expensive private school. I'm not "cocked to the gills" on heroin or homicidal, so what else can I write about?

Teacher: Where's your sense of adventure?
Student: At home in bed where every good sense of adventure should be at 7:30 AM

You’ve visited the site in hordes of hundreds, nay thousands. So we’ve got a team of pocket-protected computer types installing new servers as we speak. And if that doesn’t do it, we’ll just have to go and get faster hamsters. So check back soon. And we’ll be faster than molasses flowing uphill in the wintertime. Promise.

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...oh, wait a minute - he already does.

That's right, Al, you lost! And let me tell you what you didn't win: a 20-volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a years' supply of Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco Treat). But that's not all! You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people, and you brought shame and misfortune on your family name for generations to come! You don't get to come back tomorrow. You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game. You're a complete loser!

It's just one of those things. You know how technology is. There are always arcane, nonsensical rules. You might as well ask why you can't get rid of the stupid Caps Lock button on your keyboard, or why it is that when you type in "Flossing Space Monkeys" your idiot web browser suggests you should check out books on "Flossing Space Monkeys" at Barnes and Noble. I mean, I love Barnes and Noble, I spend a lot of time at Barnes and Noble, but they do not have books on Flossing Space Monkeys.

Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker.

Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.

Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

How mad would a wood chuck get if a big neon pink Koala bear named Ishtar ran into the woods and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?

Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

I can bend minds with my spoon.

Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt like it.

I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'

If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me.

Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the round table eating vinegar with a fork.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

How can we not help but love the juxtaposition of cute, flop-eared, mini-lop bunny rabbit and the soul of....well, the most ruthless bastard that you can imagine.

'If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!' 'mew!' 'No way, Mister... that's just WRONG!'

God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends

Occasionally I think about doing something to change my situation, but where am I going to get hold of a Stealth bomber?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I can't stand.

It's about as much of a threat as a wet noodle tied to a baby dipped in chocolate crawling around the marshmallow puff-man.

Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I am schizophrenic,
And so am I!

I was always kind of scared by my mother's obsession with the 'good scissors.' It implied that somewhere in the house lurked the evil scissors.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig.

If the world is a stage, I need a new director.

If the world is a stage, make my life a musical!

Whoso pulleth this linoleum knife from this milkman is rightwise king born of England!

Of course it makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away.

The butler entered the room, a solemn procession of one.

I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.

You know what? You can go to hell. You can go to hell too! And you! And YOU! That door can go to hell! I'm not going to hell because that would mean being with all of you!

Come on! We're all friends here. Not to each other, but to someone.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

My webpage might even be done this week! But don't hold your breath. Unless you're suicidal or somthing. Then I have no problem with you holding your breath. What you do with your lungs isn't my business.

If brains were gasoline, she couldn't drive a go-cart around the inside of a Cheerio.

It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. Can you imagine the commercials?

I'm the leader. Which way did they go?

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.

Yes, sir, we've graphed the data. It's a smiley face, sir.

Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you will never find a word to rhyme with orange.

Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here!

Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Cliff Notes do not give you the same experience of reading the book, which is why you should read Cliff Notes.

But what was there to warn about, besides the fact that he glowed in the dark?

God wants spiritual fruits - not religious nuts.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

There's no "i" in "team", but there is an "m" and an "e".

I am a flying cow. Worship me or die.

BTW, FWIW, IMHO, AFAIK, yes. OTOH, AAMOF, maybe not. YMMV.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

A child of five could understand this! Somebody fetch me a child of five!

Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200

A 14.4 modem makes ya want to get out and push.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less....

You're a spy! People like you should be shot at dawn!

When I'm feeling down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet.

Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

For those whom it applies: keep stalking mark mcgrath, obsessing over david duchovny/x-files, drooling over the mulan dude... wait did i say that?

'Apple Macintosh' - An anagram of 'Complaints Heap'

Dear Lord, please save me from your followers.

Okay, Okay, so you won't go out with me unless I was the last man on earth ... what if you were a purple frog and I was a green cow? Okay , still no .... What if I had wings, too?

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing have been doing the difficult with little for so long that we are now ready to tackle the impossible with nothing.'

At one point, American Airlines went to its marketing department and said "We're going to stop serving real food to people, and we need a good name for it." Marketing people love this kind of challenge. Their motto is: "When life hands you lemons, lie."

It might be more ominous if it was gray instead of pink.

I dare ya to kill yourself, Paul!

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

I'm tired of all this nonsense abot beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want; an adorable pancreas?

If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

I'm cold. Can I have another straight jacket?

If you want to make God laugh...Tell him your plans.

Imagination is more valuable than knowledge, and that, my friend, is why I am in some cases smarter than you.

I do have a test today. That wasn't BS. It's on European Socialism. I mean what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists. They could be fascist anarchists. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

Man, I'm tired of being right.

I want more than equal rights. I want everything for free.

Here's to hell - may the stay there be as much fun as the way there.

I passed! ::hugs a stranger:: I passed! I wish we had known each other...this is a little awkward.

Refrain from this juvenile juvinility!

She looks like orphan Annie on steroids!

Did I get your sympathy? Even without violin music?

And once we realized that "kil" in Dutch was "creek", it wasn't as morbid as we thought.

The site is STILL under construction, but when you think about it, isn't everyone under construction? We go through life constantly trying to change ourselves and *brief pause* good Lord now I really do sound like Mr. O'Neill...

Mom: Well, we just left Borders where Ellie got a few books, and we're off to get dinner at Eatzi's.
Dad: If you eat at Eatzi's, do you read at Readzie's?
Me: Well, I know we don't get bored at Border's.

God be in my bookbag.
God be in my chair.
God be in my fishtank.
God be everywhere. Amen.

I don't really like it, but I have to in the play because I'm a scallion.

Yeah, I love him, but I don't want to write a research paper on him.

Ashley: Wait. Which one's Servo again?
Me: The one that looks like a gumball machine.

I wish a was a girlie, just like my dear papa!

You know, this whole thing never would have happened if Jack just sold his cat.

Like iodine through a dialysis filter, so are the Days of Our Lives.

My Uncle: And when you tell your friends about your motorcycle ride, be sure to tell them that it was NOT a ::distastefully:: Harley Davidson. It was a BMW. Not one of those Harley pieces of s***.

My Aunt: You're a strange man, Lewis.

Don't be sentimental, Jean. You scare me out of my wits.

There's nothing wrong with gays. They just have different choices.

Some men are born great. Some men achieve greatness. And some men smack the living hell out of a little white ball until it screams, 'you're great! I swear you're great!'

How many legs does a dog have, if you call his tail a leg? The answer is four, because calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

I like it, but when do we stop?

I think god's trying to tell us something. Do you know Morse Code in raindrops?

We dash around in starched green kilts, hacking at balls with huge wooden sticks…sounds like a Scottish horror film.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, cause that's what he's getting.

Death is, like, fatal.

Well, my speech this year does have a point, however slight.

Jim Henson is the greatest mind since Einstein.

It's a wonderful piece of wisdom. If only we knew what it meant.

Evils draw men together.

If, in reading the following pages, you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not, simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a lawsuit, I was kidding. Ha ha!

If an infinite number of rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in braille.

Sometimes I wonder who my real friends are. And then I wonder how they put up with me.

I'm acting like Roberto Benigni on the inside.

I'm here tonight to present the Academy Award for Best Editing...That's all I'm here to do. I have nothing else to worry about. I can just show up and enjoy the parties. Winning the Oscar isn't the most important thing in the world. It's just an honor being nominated... ::Sob, sob.:: Who cares, I have been beaten by Roberto Benigni! He has jumped into my ocean!

43% of statistics are totally worthless.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Clones are people two!

Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

I'm not dead! I'm electroencephelographically challenged!

I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.

It's as easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716...

And I'd like to thank my parents for giving me the gift of poverty!

In reality I don't deserve this, but I hope to win some other Oscars!

And the losers aren't...

I'm not disturbed. I'm brilliant.

I don't know. It's just so satisfying. Like throwing out the garbage or something.

Listen! You need to go into another room! Your eyes could pierce a pipe!

Is it true that all metal was liquid first? Does that mean if we bought our car earlier they could have served it in a cup?

Your head is a souvenir.

I'll invite a bee to live in your shoe. What if you found your shoe full of honey?

Just think--no one has ever seen inside this peanut before!

I LOVE Happy. I LOVE the smell of Happy!

Speak! Speak! Utter your feelings and opinions!

It's so dark and gloomy. I like it.

I didn't run a red light. I nudged a yellow light.

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Water which is too pure has no fish.

Too much sunshine makes a desert.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.

We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.

Don't make waves and you won't drown. You won't reach land either...

Carpe diem - Seize the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!

Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Love conquers all, unless of course you're playing tennis.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

By "Christmas" we mean hanukkah, kwaanza, eat-yellow-snow-day, get-atheist-gifts-day, hit-yourself-over-the-head-while-trying-to-bring-home-a-big-ass-tree-which-for-some-reason-you-want-to-put-in-your-living-room-instead-of-in-the-outdoors-where-it-belongs-day, and all other winter related holidays, festivals, and occasions-where-you-try-to-be-nice-to-family-members-you'd-rather-were-sleeping-with-the-fishies. So, no flames about how your [insert feelings/religion/other-beef] is being compromised, hurt, or in other ways belittled. Thank you.

I used to wonder what was beyond the edge of the universe. Then one day, during a planetarium show, I found out. I opened the door marked "Authorized Personnel Only" and saw it: a primordial quark-gluon plasma, sprinkled with countless unmatched socks.

I remember the days of youth - running through fields of clover, barefoot and carefree; playing in the rain, naked and innocent; riding with my head out the window of my parents' car, the wind blowing through my hair... no, wait... that was my dog, Cookie. I was the one who had to stay after school and finish my math homework. Yeah, I remember now...

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, "You've got something hanging out of your nose." Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.

I saw a quote that said, "Don't say you don't have time. You have as much time as Albert Einstein or Thomas Edison did." Yeah, but they were smarter than I am.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

There will be no living Nativity scene in Washington this year. This has nothing to do with a Supreme Court ruling or for religious reasons. They simply cannot find three wise men or a virgin.

As for being a "gay person", I should let you know that I am not gay. I do however know some gay people and they are just like everyone else, (except for the fact than they have horns and eat babies). Therefore calling me a "gay person" is quite an ineffectual insult.

My mother used to say that there was no word like 'prima donna' to describe males who behave in that arrogant, spoiled, and unreasonably demanding way, because the word for men who behave like that is 'men'.

If earth were the size of an pencil eraser, that would mean that the Sun would be slightly bigger than a breadbox and we humans would be the size of really pissed off little people.

I was so bad at spanish i thought chaquita meant banana.