It's always a good idea to know the rules. That way, you know how to break them properly.

If you want to know what a man's like, look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.

There are two types of people on this earth. Those who control their lives and those who let their lives control them.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?

People think that being famous is just about having your picture taken all the time and being rich rich rich, and you know what?... They're absolutely right.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who try to find it.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a big stick.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Think different, but not because Apple Computers tells you to

The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils.

The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

Silence is golden, but jumping around and screaming like a deranged monkey on steroids is more fun.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.

In difficult moments, behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away like crazy underneath.

Cheaters never win, but if they copy from the right people they could tie with the best.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

The highest form of worship is to be yourself.

Be suspicious of all native-born Esperanto speakers.

Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

The greatest thing you ever did for me is to help me to take my life less seriously...it's only life after all.

People who think they know everything are iritating to those of us that do.

A little rebellion now and then is a good thing.

The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.

Never marry for money...merely place your affections where money is.

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun!

There are no mistakes. Just happy little accidents.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Bart, you tried to do something and you failed. What's the lesson here, never try!

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

You can't write a chord ugly enough to say what you want so say sometimes, so you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.